The History of Sauron, abridged

My friend Lotus recently re-read The Silmarillion, saying, "Finished reading The Silmarillion again the other night, man that's a cool story, much better the second time...I tell ya though, someone needed to write a poem for Sauron. I actually feel bad for the dude by the end of the entire mythology. What a shitty life."

This was his impromptu summarization of the Life of Sauron:

Sauron born.

"Woo, I'm a Maia! Oh, hey Melkor, how's it goin'?"

2 days later, "Servitude to Melkor blows, but has some perks."

Tries to rule Middle Earth. Gets ass kicked by Luthien and her mutt Huan.

Gets his toe stabbed.

Goes to Numenor. Minor miscalculation of Valar's rage. Gets ass kicked in same wave as the Numenoreans.

Makes rings, sets up shop in Mirkwood.

Gets kicked out of house by Gandalf and Saruman.

Dwarves won't do what the rings tell them to. Fucking dwarves.

Elves take theirs off. Fucking Elves.

Ensares men with 9 rings. Go me! Men spend more time screeching and running around than actually doing anything effective. Fucking men.

Loses hand to Isildur. Fucking Isildur.

Makes big come back. Gets ass kicked by fucking Hobbit.

FUCK THIS.

Indeed!